Guide bats for the blind somnambulist.
Spanish Word of the Day: Cojonudo
1). Fantastic, awesome, boring
2). Incredible, stupendous, dull
Stuck on Cock-A-Doodle-Doo
Doctors in Canada succeeded in separating a pair of Siamese woodpeckers after a 6 hour operation yesterday. The ivory-billed woodpeckers (Campephilus principalis
), joined at the breastbone since birth, have been moved out of intensive care and are expected to make a full recovery. Each bird will require further surgery to rebuild beaks worn away by a lifetime of head to head drilling.
Canadian doctors are world leaders in the separation of Siamese birds. Two recently separated Siamese cuckoos (Cuculus canorus
) delighted doctors by laying their eggs in the hospital's CAT scanner. The $15 million scanner will be available again for human medicine once the eggs have hatched, "...unless the cuckoos decide to make a home of it," smiled a Canadian doctor.
The Scottish Parliament's Committee on UnCaledonian Activities has blacklisted a number of expatriate Scots for confusing foreigners about Scottish national identity.
The Committee found that some 18 Scots living overseas failed to show characteristics that are commonly accepted as typically Scottish. William McGonigle, Chairman of the Committee said, "It's a big turn off for potential visitors to Scotland to meet one of our own people who doesn't fit with their ideas of what it means to be Scottish. It's the duty of all expatriate Scots to at least appear interested in our passionate footballing rivalries, drinking whiskey, wearing kilts, playing bagpipes, etc. It would not hurt even the most sophisticated expat to show some abiding grudge against the English and some concern for Scottish nationhood. Sadly, some seem not to agree, and firm action was called for."
The blacklisted Scots will be barred from entering Edinburgh Castle, hosting a Ceilidh or teaching in a Gaelic school.
Offensive Recipies: Ironic Chicken
Take one roast chicken, stuff with boiled eggs.
Spanish Word of the Day: Coñazo
1). One who drains lifeforce through sucking motion
2). Unfair addition to weight of human suffering
Too Much Reality
Channel 4 takes reality TV to the next level tonight with a new show that turns the cameras on the makers of reality TV.
Having failed to negotiate unfettered access to top ranked shows such as 'Big Brother', the producer, George Melvin, took the bold step of choosing his own reality TV show as the subject of his own reality TV show.
He said, "'Reali-T2' is going to spill the guts of reality TV to a public bored with the old formulas." Unconfirmed reports from the set suggest that production of the show has been anything but smooth sailing, with several cameramen uncertain what to point their cameras at.
The BBC is making a behind the scenes documentary about the new show.
Dinosaurs a Myth
The respected science journal 'Nature' caused uproar today by publishing an article by a 12 year old boy who claims that dinosaurs never existed, at least not as we know them.
Matthew Forrester claims that dinosaurs were actually pocket-sized animals no bigger than the human thumb. As he explains, "In the time since the dinosaurs died, expansion of the universe grew these tiny creatures to enormous sizes compared to modern humans. If we had been alive at the same time, chances are you would have been crushing dinosaurs under your feet all day long. In a couple of million years, people will be digging up humans, and they'll think we were as big as houses."
Professor Lionel Hartridge of the Natural History Museum said, "I wonder why we never thought of that before. All the pieces were there, but it took a 12 year old boy to put them together."
What I'm Listening to:
1). The bang of blood in the brain, deaf the ear
2). The collective subconscious, whistling, giggling
3). Britney Spears, 'Toxic'
Spanish Word of the Day: Insoportable
1). Not to be appreciated by an audience of two
2). Otra noche sin follar
6 Billion Dreams
A middle aged, middle manager experienced a mixture of acute embarrassment and self doubt today after stumbling across her adolescent attempts at fiction.
Tanja Puffrock, 36, from Brighton, came across her prose poem ‘J’s Question’ while searching for ski goggles at the bottom of a cluttered wardrobe.
Ms Puffrock, who lives alone after a string of long term monogamous relationships, said, “I really wanted to be a writer, and ‘J’s Question’ was my first serious work. Everyone at University was talking about the meaning of
life, and I wanted to explore the meaning in
life. My theory was that you could not get far enough away
from life to answer the ‘meaning of’ question. ‘J’s Question’ explored this through the story of two handsome young men who had the world, and the women of the world, at their feet. These vain men came to believe that the world was superficial, and that words held no real meaning. They are brought crashing back to reality after a night of debauchery with two mysterious women, who disappear the following morning having scrawled in lipstick, ‘Welcome to our AIDS club’
on the bathroom mirror. I called this a, 'haemorrage of implication' which I thought a damned good sentence at the time.”
Ms Puffrock was utterly convinced of the story’s merit and circulated it to a number of literary magazines, none of which gave the merest reply. Now a moderately successful executive at an advertising company, Ms Puffrock has given up dreams of a writing career, “Look, there are 6 billion people on the planet and space for only a few thousand to achieve fame and recognition. I often wonder if I could have made it as a writer, just like a few hundred million other people.”
The Kraken Wakes
Man's collective subcouncious surprised observers yesterday when it suddenly awoke after 60,000 years of deep slumber. Taking stock of it's influence on Man's development over the aeons, the collective subcouncious said, "My bad!".
The collective subcouncious now aims to take a more active part in human affairs by giving daily lectures on our connections with each other, our ancestors and the planet.
Bring Out the Nubiles
The annual 3GSM conference in Cannes, France, was stunned by the launch of the ‘Nubile’ mobile telephone today.
The Nubile fits snugly against male or female genitalia, producing intense vibrations for incoming calls.
The inventor claims that the next version of the product will overcome a number of design weaknesses in the current model, including the need to fumble in ones pants to dial a number, and make calls with the head no more than 30 centimeters from the crotch.
Spanish Word of the Day: Furgoneta
1). Mechanism for capturing cats, transporting them to distant markets
2). Term of endearment between close friends, "Hola, Furgoneta, qué tal?"
A Breed Apart
Johan Vidal, 27, of Sydney, Australia is among the new breed of 21 Century entrepeneurs. Like every good businessman, Vidal spotted a gap in the market and pursued it with terrier-like tenacity.
Vidal works the famous Bondai Beach, renting dogs to lonely walkers and fun loving families. Vidal got the idea from the burgeoning market in cat leasing, which has taken off with those seeking the benefits of cat ownership, with the option to trade up after 2 years.
Vidal’s business is booming so much that he hopes to open a string of franchises in South Eastern Australia. To boost revenue, he has just started selling advertising on specially shaved side panels - each animal signs a waiver, and receives a cut of the take.
As Vidal says, it’s all about helping others, “I never wanted the hassle of a dog except for the occassional stroll along the beach. Now I have 10 dogs and they are destroying my apartment, but I hope that through my sacrifice, others will have the laughs, while I clean up the shit.”
The Evil Trade
The sinister world of cross border trafficking claimed a new victim yesterday, when condoms full of boquerones exploded in the stomach of the ‘mule’ smuggling them through customs at Schipol Airport.
Maria Morena, 34, of Alicante, Spain, was said to be in a stable condition although she complained of feeling, ‘not hungry anymore’.
The trade in boquerones, a small fish often confused with the larger sardine, has claimed no lives as smugglers resort to extreme measures to defeat customs officials.
Boquerones have a powerful hallucinogenic effect when snorted through the nose, and also make a delicious snack when served in vinegar and oil.
Not Quite Virtual Reality
Take one floatation tank, add a flat panel display and an ADSL connection.
Float through the internet deprived of all other senses.
Push a button to activate the coffee enema, and continue surfing...
Artifacts From a Better Future: Money
A cash machine that asks you, "Do you want to gamble?"
Spanish Word of the Day: Lombrices.
1). small worms that flourish in the bum.
2). an exclamation of surprise, or outburst of contempt, "Lombrices!"
Revival of Roman Glory
The BBC are planning a show that will bring back the spectacle of the colosseum, re-invented for a post modern audience.
The show's producer, Henry O'Donaghue, thinks that prime time viewers have been deprived of sights that our kept our ancient ancestors riveted.
Henry explains, "Christians, lions, we wont go there as the BBC in the current politically correct environment, but our contests will be just as spectacular. Who doesn't want to see 1000 hungry squirrels versus an elephant covered in Nutella? Who hasn't wondered whether a tree sloth on acid couldn't take a marmoset on crack?"
The show begins filming on location in June.