Monday, September 05, 2005
  Sudoku Cube
Use correction fluid to white out all the squares on a Rubik's cube.

Write numbers 1 to 9 on each side with marker pen using following rules:

(1) Do not repeat any numeral on a single side;
(2) Make each side a unique ordering of the numerals.

Randomise the cube, i.e. mix it up.

Solve such that each side contains the digits 1 to 9.

Let me know how you get on. 

Saturday, July 23, 2005
  !!!Sexual Patents Here!!!
Have you invented a unique method of lovemaking? If so, you could generate millions of $$$ by obtaining a Sexual Patent.

For the low low price of $10, I will issue a certificated Sexual Patent for each of you original shagtastical ideas. With this approved patent, you will have 20 years rights to the postion and have the legally enforceable right to charge other couples royalties for the use of your patented lovemaking technique.

Here are the 5 easy steps to obtaining your Sexual Patent:

1. Send me $10 to cover administration and registration charges. (this sum is non refundable in the event that a patent is not issued)
2. Send me a written description of you lovemaking technique accompanied by diagrams, photos and video
3. I will perform a search of the advanced Sexual Patent database to ensure originality
4. If original, I will issue you with a bona fide Sexual Patent, by email (signed paper copy available for $50)
5. I will publish your Sexual Patent on this website so that YOU can start to earn royalties immediately

This is not a pyramid scheme or get rich quick trick, but a genuine way for your sexual experimentation to earn you millions of $$$ faster than you could probably imagine.

Send your lovemaking invention to Sexual Patents today, not forgetting about that $10 you owe me.

Important Note: please be specific in your patent applications, but not too specific. For example, if you say, "My wife is on top of me wearing a beard of bees." Then a patent would be granted, but only concerning your wife. You could earn royalties, but only from those making love to your wife wearing the bees, which may not be your intention. Being too specific could enable others to claim the general patent, e.g. beekeepers. 

  Damn Those White Haired Freaks
I know every albino isn't a fundamentalist, but sometimes it's hard to distinguish the law abiding pigmentless person from the albino extremist. Over 53% of their kind consider themselves albino before British. How can that be? After the first influx of albinos from Antarctica in the 1950's, it was Enoch Powell who foresaw the streets flowing with the moulted white eyelashes of heartless albinos. He was pooh poohed and expelled from his primary school for such forthright views. But a generation later, we can see that he was right. The cynical milky bar kid campaign notwithstanding, I dont see how we can put up with their antics anymore, with their kit kats and their thick eyeglasses and so on and soforth. Perhaps they should go back to Antarctica in the triangular solar powered kayaks they came in on. 

Friday, April 29, 2005
  I Don't Understand Your Heart
Some songs kill me, like Keane's 'Might as well be strangers'. I'm grateful for the time we had together. 

Wednesday, April 06, 2005
  Favourite Recipes: Sausage Hot Pot
This old Irish recipe is the perfect late night winter warming supper suitable for any time of the day or season of the year.

1) Sausages, 8 thick pork & herb
2) Potatoes, 4 king edwards
3) Carrots, 4 medium sized
4) Chicken stock
5) Salt and Pepper to taste
6) Onions, 2 large

Slice the melon through the 3 dimensions of normal space and once more through the 4th dimension to create n-dimensional melon balls. Extract life affirming lessons from personal tradgedy and sprinkle liberally over the lobster tails. Pre heat the oven to several million degrees centigrade by creating a magnetically controlled custard plasma fusion reaction. Reduce cooking time for fan assisted ovens. Place the hand upon the heart and yearn vigorously for lost love until a creamy froth appears at the lips - the froth should be thick enough to leave peaks when forked. Bifurcate the fringe in a central parting and leave to cool for milenia. Self serve, self servingly. 

Tuesday, April 05, 2005
  Rumsfield Papacy Gets Bush Backing
Secretary of State for Defence, Donald Rumsfield, took one step closer to the Vatican last night after receiving President George W. Bush's nomination to succeed Pope John Paul II as leader of the Catholic Church. The Bush administration moved quickly to put its own man forward, just days after Paul Wolfowitz was confirmed as the new head of the World Bank. Rumsfield, considered something of a hawk by Washington insiders, is a leading light of the neo-conservative movement, which seeks to reconcile religious zealotry with state of the art weaponry. The Defence cheif's nomination will face tough opposition from the Europeans, who are thought to favour British celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver. 

Monday, February 28, 2005
  Club Reviews: Blue Moon, Stolkholm
The Blue Moon in Stolkholm is a 25 minute cab ride away from my friend Edison's house, which is itself a 15 minute ride away from the bar I was in before I went to see him.

Preparations prevents poor performance in all things, so one is recommended to take a variety of drinks at Edison's place before venturing to the Blue Moon. Beers should be used to wash down an excellent home cooked meal of steak and fries. Upon this solid foundation should be constructed a wonderful alcoholic igloo of Havanna Club mixed with ice cream sweetened with jam. And now, to the club.

Entry is advised before 11pm to those without connections. The fee is immaterial, which is not to say that it is imbued with an ephemeral or spiritual quality, just that one is aware that one's readers pay little heed to such matters. Suffice to say therefore that we are dealing with an immaterial matter.

No such paradoxes greet one at the cloak room where it is a clear case of depositing one's outer garmets in exchange for an eminently loseable little token. We all await the club that overturns this tired formula, perhaps requiring the exchange of inner garmets for exotic pets. Club owners and promoters please take note.

With the trivialities of entry consigned to the annals of history (and who writes history but the victors?) one proceeds to the bar area where the ordering of Vodka Red Bull 'sharpeners' is highly advised. Edison looks on expectantly as I hand him his drink. The next thing one is aware of is being manhandled from the club as the sun comes up. It is altogether a rather wonderful experience and I heartily commend everyone involved in the running of the Blue Moon, Stolkholm for their utter professionalism and uncanny ability of not only tapping the zeitgeist, but getting it into a glass and selling it at 15 euros a pop. Bravo! 

  Just Read
"Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens, dark humourist and psychologist. In which Pip reaches a sort of maturity through a series of disappointments and in which he does to Joe what I have done to those that loved me. Pip's realisation that his sense of Herbert's inaptitude was ever in himself and not in the other is a warning to my own self, who sometimes rides the underground and finds everyone ugly and revolting. The ugliness is but in me.
"Newton's Wake" by Ken McLeod, strange scottish sf writer. Derivative space opera with obscure glaswegian references and accents. Dont bother.
"Beyond the Great Indoors" by Ingvar Ambjornsen, Norwegian author of great comedic talent. The adventures of Elling (who's forgotten how to enjoy life, but is getting a bit better) and friends convincing me of the constancy of the human condition across cultures. Movie of the Norwegian original (called 'Elling') was made into a movie that almost won an oscar, or something. Being re-made by what's his name... guy who was mugged walking his dog... Kevin Spacey. Anyway, the Norwegians say 'there's a little bit of Elling in all of us'.. there bloody well is in me. 

Sunday, October 24, 2004
  Awaken the Muppet Within
Flew in from Altanta after a week away on business to find myself nine hours later chanting Yes Yes Yes as I walked over twelve feet of burning hot coals. Watched with detachment as 12,000 people leapt, laughed, cried together and massaged one another. Tony Robbin's Ultimate Power Workshop - highly recommended, but not straight from the plane. www.tony2005.com. 

Tales from Amsterdam, distorted by powerful magnets and deep fried until crispy.

02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 / 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 / 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 / 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 / 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 / 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 / 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 / 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 / 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 / 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 / 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 /

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